Lord Cosmo’s Commandments

Book the Ninth · IX

The Litany of Wu

The name in forty-four conditions, set for cantor and congregation.

  • Canonical
  • Forty-four invocations
  • Rubrics by the Editors

The cantor sings each condition; all answer with the name as it has become.

  1. Cosmo if he was an example: Cosmo Foo
  2. Cosmo if he was sick: Cosmo Flu
  3. Cosmo if he had minions: Cosmo Gru
  4. Cosmo if he meets another Cosmo: Cosmo Too
  5. Cosmo if he was Alex: Cosmo Lu
  6. Cosmo if he wasn’t false: Cosmo True
  7. Cosmo if he was literal shit: Cosmo Poo
  8. Cosmo on Halloween: Cosmo Boo
  9. Cosmo if he was a food item: Cosmo Stew
  10. Cosmo if he was CEO of AMD: Cosmo Su
  11. Cosmo if he was in BTD: Cosmo Glue
  12. All: In every condition, Wu.
  13. Cosmo if he was born again: Cosmo New
  14. Cosmo if he worked at Starbucks: Cosmo Brew
  15. Cosmo if he had a big black hole: Cosmo Blue
  16. Cosmo if he was a clone: Cosmo Two
  17. Cosmo if he was pregnant: Cosmo Due
  18. Cosmo if he was AI: Cosmo ReLU
  19. Cosmo if he went to the bathroom: Cosmo Loo
  20. Cosmo if he was the bug: Cosmo Whoo
  21. Here the cantor turns to address the bug.
  22. Cosmo to the bug: Cosmo Shoo
  23. Cosmo if he looksmaxxed: Cosmo Mew
  24. Cosmo if he was an animal: Cosmo Roo
  25. All: In every condition, Wu.
  26. Cosmo if he was a board game: Cosmo Clue
  27. Cosmo if he was footwear: Cosmo Shoe
  28. The form that follows is irregular. The choir should not attempt the rhyme.
  29. Cosmo if he pooped when he used the restroom: Cosmo number two
  30. Cosmo if he had rizz: Cosmo woo
  31. Cosmo if he was korean: Cosmo yoo
  32. Cosmo if he was a data structure: Cosmo queue
  33. Cosmo if he was Israeli: Cosmo Jew
  34. Cosmo if he was a Jewish search engine: Cosmo Yahoo
  35. Cosmo if you told him the punchline yesterday: Cosmo Knew
  36. Cosmo if he made USACO camp: Cosmo Moo
  37. Cosmo if he replaced Thomas the Tank Engine: Cosmo Choo
  38. All: In every condition, Wu.
  39. Cosmo if he touched the GDC floor: Cosmo Goo
  40. Cosmo if he was rainbow: Cosmo Hue
  41. Blue is sung a second time, in another sense. The Editors do not reconcile the two.
  42. Cosmo after he leaves the bedroom: Cosmo Blue
  43. Cosmo if he was assymetric: Cosmo skew
  44. Cosmo if he twisted: Cosmo Screw
  45. Cosmo from the cuck chair: Cosmo View
  46. Cosmo if he lived in 1202: Cosmo Drew
  47. Cosmo if he understood social signals: Cosmo Cue
  48. Cosmo if he was packing: Cosmo Grew
  49. Cosmo if he was a panda: Cosmo Bamboo
  50. The final invocation is said quietly, the matter being still under review.
  51. Cosmo if he was actually into girls: Cosmo Pursue

Let us pray.

Grant, we beseech thee, that in whatever condition he may be found, the name may yet rhyme.

Amen.

Here endeth the Litany of Wu.

Received text. Reproduced without alteration, spelling and repetitions included. The rubrics in red, the refrain, and the closing prayer were composed for this edition by the Editors.