Lord Cosmo’s Commandments

But the library did not end.

There was found, sealed beneath the seventh book, another scroll; and it was warm to the touch.

Apocrypha · Book the Eighth

A Formal Apology for the Chudification of King Cosmo

Received from Venerable Brother Zhu, and reproduced without alteration. The inscription on the seal, the kernel log, and the chant were composed for this edition.

To the students of CS and inhabitants of the GDC:

I take partial responsibility for the chudification of Cosmo Wu—also known as King Cosmo, Lord Wu, Sovereign of the GDC, Protector of the Linux Machines, and First of His Name.

There was once a time when Cosmo was a normal freshman. He spoke to people. He interacted with everyone in CS. His social scheduler operated normally. His personality had not yet been statically linked against libturing.so.

Then I made the mistake that changed everything:

I convinced Cosmo to petition into Turing Scholars.

I thought it was harmless. I did not realize I had called execve() on the man himself. The old Cosmo process terminated that day.

What emerged was King Cosmo.

Soon, the context switches stopped. The GDC ceased to be somewhere Cosmo went. It became his address space.

Today, Lord Wu spends 60 hours a week in the GDC. His social life has entered deadlock. His sleep schedule suffers starvation. The scheduler assigned maximum priority to CS and forgot every other process existed. Reports of him leaving are likely brief I/O interrupts. Sightings outdoors may constitute undefined behavior.

I accept responsibility for the initial condition, but not the entire runtime. I encouraged the petition; I did not tell him to compile his personality with -O3 -march=native -fno-social-life. Those optimizations were his own.

Still, when Cosmo stood at a fork in the process tree, I was the one who called fork().

There is no rollback. No backup. No previous commit. The original Cosmo may now reside only in /dev/null.

Until the scheduler finally preempts him, Lord Wu remains seated upon the Silicon Throne.

Long may he compile. Long may his processes run.

And may God have mercy upon whoever attempts to acquire a lock held by King Cosmo, Lord of Turing, Warden of the GDC, Breaker of Deadlocks, and Protector of the Sacred Heap.

Thus wrote

Venerable Brother Zhu

Sequentia pro Rege Cosmo · Tonus octavus

Dies Irae Wuensis

Let the cantor intone alone, facing the Linux machines, in the hour when the lights of the GDC go out upon their sensors.

Di- es i- rae, di- es il- la
  1. Dies irae, dies illa:
    fregit Cosmo sua sigilla;
    GDC fumat in favilla.
  2. Ego suasi, me miserum,
    petere regnum Turingorum:
    execve in hominem verum.
  3. Processus vetus terminatur;
    ex cinere Rex levatur;
    Cosmo Primus coronatur.
  4. Nulla iam commutatio;
    GDC fit habitatio
    et spatii dominatio.
  5. Sexaginta horis sedet;
    somnum inedia edet;
    nexus mortis vitam laedet.
  6. Here the choir falls silent for the length of one clock cycle. Should any chorister be sighted outdoors, the behaviour is undefined.
  7. Ortum culpae confiteor;
    cursum totum non fateor:
    O-tres ipse, ipse auctor.
  8. Versicle: Ad furcam arboris stetit.
    Response: Et ego vocavi furcam.
    Versicle: Mea culpa, mea culpa,
    Response: mea maxima furca.
  9. Nullus reditus, nullum commit;
    nullum exemplar quod remittit;
    Cosmo priscus in vas nullum it.
  10. Donec praeemptor veniat,
    Throno Silicis sedeat;
    compilet, currat, vivat.
  11. Here the lights of the GDC go out, for no one has moved in some time. The King does not notice.
  12. Pie Rex, Domine Turingis,
    custos acervi sacri,
    dona nobis seram.
  13. Versicle: Qui seram Regis quaerit…
    Response: Deus misereatur eius.

Amen.

The lock is not released. The chant does not terminate.

The sequence, Englished
  1. Day of wrath, that day: Cosmo broke his seals; the GDC smoulders in the ash.
  2. I persuaded him, woe is me, to seek the kingdom of the Turings: execve upon the true man.
  3. The old process is terminated; out of the ash a King is raised; Cosmo the First is crowned.
  4. No switching any more; the GDC becomes his dwelling, and the dominion of his space.
  5. Sixty hours he sits; starvation shall eat his sleep; the knot of death shall wound his life.
  6. The origin of the fault I confess; the whole course I do not: O-three was his own, his own the author.
  7. He stood at the fork of the tree. And I called fork. My fault, my fault, my most grievous fork.
  8. No return, no commit, no copy that sends him back; the old Cosmo goes into the empty vessel.
  9. Until the preempter comes, let him sit upon the Throne of Silicon; let him compile, let him run, let him live.
  10. Merciful King, Lord of Turing, keeper of the sacred heap, grant us the lock.
  11. Whoever seeks the lock of the King… may God have mercy on him.

The words around the ring: long may he compile; long may he run; let no one touch his lock.

The apology was received from Venerable Brother Zhu, and is reproduced without alteration. The sequence, its rubrics, its melody on the staff (borrowed from the old Dies Irae), the inscription on the seal, and the kernel log were composed for this edition by the Editors.